Thoughts from Q: Part 1 - Why do we talk "to" each other?

One of the highlights for me at Q this year was a talk entitled, "Alone Together," by Sherry Turkle, who wrote a book with the same title.  Though I won't be able to do the talk justice in this short blog, I'll do my best.  She shared about the rise of technology and opined that we aren't as strong as technology's pull (e.g., we are ruled by our iPhones, iPads, Blackberries, computers, email, texts, televisions, iPods, etc.).  She told us how "etiquette experts" have somehow determined that it is OK to ignore a cashier at the supermarket checkout counter if they engage you in a conversation while you're texting because "they are doing their job to check you out" - that is, you are not obliged to engage with him or her in conversation because they are simply the "help."  


Turkle went on to say that we are treading very dangerous water because we are allowing ourselves to get closer to machines while distancing ourselves from each other.  We are so jaded today that we seriously think that sending a tweet is just as valuable as engaging in a conversation with someone face-to-face.  Or that texting with someone is the same as an in-person interaction.  How have we forgotten that about 75% of our communication with someone is non-verbal?  How have we forgotten the difference between simple connection and actual conversation, which involves compassion, involvement, understanding, empathy, and challenge?


Fortunately, though, she didn't stop there.  She recognizes the absurdity of the trajectory of our world's technological revolution and is advocating for a world where we slow down our lives and return to the days when we actually sat down in-person and talked with each other.  This is especially important because the flight from interaction with other humans has also resulted in a flight from introspection, which is critical to development of our souls, character, and integrity, and relationship with our God.  If our youth lack this introspection, our world is in big trouble.


She then used the introspection discussion to launch into one of my favorite parts of her talk - the need for Solitude and for sacred places that we set apart solely for conversation.  Here are my notes from that portion of her talk - they are simple because the points are simple:

(i) "Solitude is a good thing. Make room for it." 

(ii) "Create safe spaces at home and reclaim them for conversation. Have sacred spaces that are technology free. We need to take the time to really listen to each other." 

Turkle finished her talk with a couple points that I'll let you ponder as I have been the past couple weeks.  What you do with them is up to you.  Here they are:

(i) "The problem isn't the technology. It is the way we use it." 

(ii) "We have a hunger for narrative and conversation."


So as I've been processing her talk, I've been thinking about something that I alluded to in the title to this blog.  When did we as a culture start saying that we want to "talk to" someone rather than "talk with" someone?  Think about this - what are we actually saying when we write an email and say, "Hey __________, I'd like to talk to you about [fill in the blank]."  


I don't know this, but I bet it started around the time that the answering machine entered our lives.  Remember what we had to do before answering machines?  We actually had to keep calling back until the person was home - then (you ready for this), we actually had to have a conversation with the person.  And for the receiving party, a similar "quandary" existed - there was no ability to screen the call, let the call go to voice mail, or text back a quick response to the person because you didn't want to talk.  You had to actually risk a conversation when you picked up the phone (insert sarcastic tone here).  


Then, with advent of the incredible technological advancement of the answering machine, we were able to limit our conversations dramatically, and the "talking to" generation began.  Fast forward a few decades and now we are in an age that you never actually have to look at or even speak anything to anyone that you are talking to if you don't want to.  You can simply use your fingers and connect with them.  Don't fool yourself, though . . . you're not conversing or talking with them - you're only talking to them.  And that simply doesn't fill our deep need for narrative and conversation. 


So how can we reverse the trend?


Create the sacred spaces in your homes and lives.  Make room for solitude and for conversation.  Talk with people.  Engage in your world.  Don't be afraid to take a risk and dig into conversations that include compassion, involvement, understanding, empathy, and challenge.  


It will take time.  It often will be uncomfortable.  But I am sure of at least one thing: You won't be disappointed.