Thoughts from Q: Part 2 - Preaching Contraception for Singles: Why do we insist on only dealing with symptoms?

It came to my attention at Q that a large and growing number of churches across America are preaching to their unmarried congregants about how to properly use contraceptives.  This surprised me.  Given the trajectory of the American church today, I don't know why it surprised me so much.  But it did.  And my surprise didn't stop there.  The conference staff conducted a very unscientific poll at the conference and over 2/3 of the people responding to the poll agreed with the recent trend of teaching about proper contraception use from the pulpit.  


The main rationale given (that I heard at the conference) for the trend is that everyone is having sex anyway, so we need to face reality and teach contraception use so that we can reduce the amount of unplanned pregnancies and abortions among our singles.  This rationale is a classic example of how we love to deal with symptoms rather than deal with the root, foundational causes of the symptoms.  Dealing with the symptoms is much easier because it is less confrontational and takes much less time.  It is much less messy and doesn't require a lot of investment on our part to get to the heart of the issue in the lives of our brothers and sisters.  However, in only dealing with the symptoms, it is like we are simply putting a band-aid on a deep, gaping head wound.  Sure, it may stop the bleeding in the short-term, but the wound will continue to fester underneath and cause bigger, more serious problems later because the band-aid does not address the real problem with the wound.  


In the same way, preaching about proper contraceptive use to singles does not address the real problem with the wounds in the single's hearts, minds, and souls.  It does not address the deep rooted issues in the lives of the singles that cause them to ignore the clear teachings in Scripture and engage in sex outside of marriage (which, on a side note, causes all kinds of social ills (e.g., marital issues) in addition to unplanned pregnancy and abortions).  It does not address the need for a clear, unabashed Gospel response to the tragic rise and acceptance of premarital sex in our culture.  A response that does not hold up the white flag and surrender to the downfall of our societal values and norms that somehow make it OK to defile the marital bed because "they're already doing it and are going to do it anyway."  We need a response that does not implicitly approve extramarital sex.  We need a response that holds firm to the clear edicts in the Bible and teaches our youth, young adults, adults, and elderly the truths about what the Bible really says about sex outside of marriage and WHY the Bible is so clear about not defiling the marriage bed. 


As I alluded to above, premarital sex causes a lot more issues in our society other than unplanned pregnancies and increase in abortions.  Among many other things that would take a series of blog entries to cover properly, it cheapens the amazing gift from God of the intimate bond of sex between a man and woman in marriage, it contributes to low self-respect, it causes marital issues when spouses "compare" their husband or wife to past partners, and the list goes on [feel free to add to the list through comments]. 


Unfortunately, the church's ever-increasing tendency to only deal with symptoms rather than foundational issues also shows up all throughout the world of orphan care.  One specific area where many in orphan care are "holding up the white flag" is the lack of "good men" to care for the children, which just happens to be directly linked to the rampant extramarital sex going on in the world.  In short (this issue will be covered in detail in a later post), throughout the orphan care community, many people are dealing with the lack of quality men by creating homes where the children are being raised only by one or two women.  In essence, they are dealing with the symptom of no quality men in society by creating "fatherless" homes, which themselves will have long-term negative consequences because the children will not have a daddy.  Scripture is very intentional about speaking of God's love for the "fatherless" because He knows how important a daddy is to the development of every child's life.  


Instead of simply accepting that there are no good men in society and moving on to encourage a "second-best" mentality, we need to address the root, foundational issue and start discipling men in our communities.  To be the husbands they need to be.  To be the daddies they need to be. To be the men they need to be.  To not just accept that they're bad and move on.  But to trust that God can redeem anyone and that He is using us to bring renewal to this world.  To trust that God loves the fatherless more than we ever will and His heart cries out to see each of them have a mommy AND a daddy to love them well.  The response that deals with the foundational issue meets the men where they are, builds deep and authentic relationships with them, and demands more out of them - it demands that they be gospel-driven leaders of  their families and communities.  This response takes a lot time, is messy, and often disappoints.  But it can also lead to incredibly rewarding results - and without it, we will never be able to make a dent in the ever-growing number of fatherless in our world.  

Thoughts from Q: Part 1 - Why do we talk "to" each other?

One of the highlights for me at Q this year was a talk entitled, "Alone Together," by Sherry Turkle, who wrote a book with the same title.  Though I won't be able to do the talk justice in this short blog, I'll do my best.  She shared about the rise of technology and opined that we aren't as strong as technology's pull (e.g., we are ruled by our iPhones, iPads, Blackberries, computers, email, texts, televisions, iPods, etc.).  She told us how "etiquette experts" have somehow determined that it is OK to ignore a cashier at the supermarket checkout counter if they engage you in a conversation while you're texting because "they are doing their job to check you out" - that is, you are not obliged to engage with him or her in conversation because they are simply the "help."  


Turkle went on to say that we are treading very dangerous water because we are allowing ourselves to get closer to machines while distancing ourselves from each other.  We are so jaded today that we seriously think that sending a tweet is just as valuable as engaging in a conversation with someone face-to-face.  Or that texting with someone is the same as an in-person interaction.  How have we forgotten that about 75% of our communication with someone is non-verbal?  How have we forgotten the difference between simple connection and actual conversation, which involves compassion, involvement, understanding, empathy, and challenge?


Fortunately, though, she didn't stop there.  She recognizes the absurdity of the trajectory of our world's technological revolution and is advocating for a world where we slow down our lives and return to the days when we actually sat down in-person and talked with each other.  This is especially important because the flight from interaction with other humans has also resulted in a flight from introspection, which is critical to development of our souls, character, and integrity, and relationship with our God.  If our youth lack this introspection, our world is in big trouble.


She then used the introspection discussion to launch into one of my favorite parts of her talk - the need for Solitude and for sacred places that we set apart solely for conversation.  Here are my notes from that portion of her talk - they are simple because the points are simple:

(i) "Solitude is a good thing. Make room for it." 

(ii) "Create safe spaces at home and reclaim them for conversation. Have sacred spaces that are technology free. We need to take the time to really listen to each other." 

Turkle finished her talk with a couple points that I'll let you ponder as I have been the past couple weeks.  What you do with them is up to you.  Here they are:

(i) "The problem isn't the technology. It is the way we use it." 

(ii) "We have a hunger for narrative and conversation."


So as I've been processing her talk, I've been thinking about something that I alluded to in the title to this blog.  When did we as a culture start saying that we want to "talk to" someone rather than "talk with" someone?  Think about this - what are we actually saying when we write an email and say, "Hey __________, I'd like to talk to you about [fill in the blank]."  


I don't know this, but I bet it started around the time that the answering machine entered our lives.  Remember what we had to do before answering machines?  We actually had to keep calling back until the person was home - then (you ready for this), we actually had to have a conversation with the person.  And for the receiving party, a similar "quandary" existed - there was no ability to screen the call, let the call go to voice mail, or text back a quick response to the person because you didn't want to talk.  You had to actually risk a conversation when you picked up the phone (insert sarcastic tone here).  


Then, with advent of the incredible technological advancement of the answering machine, we were able to limit our conversations dramatically, and the "talking to" generation began.  Fast forward a few decades and now we are in an age that you never actually have to look at or even speak anything to anyone that you are talking to if you don't want to.  You can simply use your fingers and connect with them.  Don't fool yourself, though . . . you're not conversing or talking with them - you're only talking to them.  And that simply doesn't fill our deep need for narrative and conversation. 


So how can we reverse the trend?


Create the sacred spaces in your homes and lives.  Make room for solitude and for conversation.  Talk with people.  Engage in your world.  Don't be afraid to take a risk and dig into conversations that include compassion, involvement, understanding, empathy, and challenge.  


It will take time.  It often will be uncomfortable.  But I am sure of at least one thing: You won't be disappointed.

The Study of Orphan Care Leads to Humility

(Republished from the La Providencia blog (5/4/11))

Plato once said, "The study of Astronomy leads to humility." That is definitely true - just one look at pictures from the Hubble telescope makes this point clear.

Similarly, as I have found in the last few years, the study of how to bring excellence to orphan care also leads to humility. It is easy to get lost in the numbers of the orphan crisis (e.g., over 167,000,000 orphans in the world) and give up. To say that we simply cannot do anything about it. That there is no way we can figure out how to address it as a comprehensive whole. That we simply cannot understand it. That we can't get families for all of these kids. That [fill in the blank with countless other reasons not to engage].

People have said similar things about the heavens over the centuries. That we cannot even begin to understand the universe surrounding us. But other people, like Galileo, Ptolemy, Copernicus, and the inventors of the Hubble telescope, to name a few, said that it is not OK to simply accept defeat in our understanding of the heavens. Even though they accepted the fact that the universe is HUGE and that they likely would never figure it out, they said, "We can work to understand it better." There are answers to our questions. While we personally might not be able to figure all of them out, we can start working to find answers, ask more questions, discover more answers, and so on. They said that they could take baby steps to figuring out the heavens and they saw any additional knowledge, no matter how small, as a victory, all the while knowing that it was extremely unlikely that the answers to all of their questions would be solved in their lifetime. (Part of this is that I believe there simply are certain things that we as humans are not supposed to understand.)

Because these guys that didn't listen to the naysayers, we have slowly progressed over the years as they built on each other's discoveries, and today we can see stars billions of light years away through the Hubble Telescope - we are closer to an understanding of what is going on out there. If people wouldn’t have said that we can begin to figure it out, then the Hubble never would’ve happened

We need to apply that same mindset and ingenuity to the improvement of orphan care! While on the one hand we need to recognize the magnitude of the problem and face the fact that we can't solve it on our own, we also need to work to understand it better and seek God's wisdom and discernment on how to develop solutions.  We need to work together, collaborating together to understand the vastness of the crisis and the best way to develop the kids' lives to give them an opportunity to be leaders in their communities. We need to continue asking hard questions and analyzing best practices with the same commitment as we would if our own children were in an orphanage. We need to think bigger and with more excellence (e.g., family-based orphanages, top-quality schools, great medical care and nutrition, and participation in their local community), which will enable us to begin shifting the paradigm surrounding orphans from one where they are seen as a waste of resources to one where they are treated as investments. Only then will we really be making in-roads to making orphanages and orphan care better.

Or, in the alternative, we can keep wading in the current problematic paradigm seeing the orphans as second-rate humans, as a drain on society, as trash, as a waste of resources, AND we thus will keep viewing the orphan crisis as a universe that is way too big to understand, address, and work within.

So, yes, the study of orphan care leads to humility. But, fortunately for the millions of orphans around the world, it doesn't lead to futility.

Another Great Year at Q

I just returned from the Q Conference in Washington, D.C., where I had the pleasure of engaging with leaders from all over the world on issues spanning all areas of culture.  I look forward to this conference every year because of the personal development and relationships that have occurred every year since I first attended Q three years ago.  And this year was no exception.  As you'll see in some upcoming blogs that dive deeper into some of the topics we explored at the conference, I was challenged once again to think about issues that I haven't explored and to consider how I can worship God in new and exciting ways.  I also was able to have conversations with several leaders about how we can collaborate to love orphans around the world with excellence.  I can't wait to see how those conversations bear themselves out in the future.

A couple (of many) examples of topics covered at the conference that you'll hear more about in future blogs are how technology has caused our relationships to suffer, how we need to slow down and actually cut down the amount of media and technology we use, how churches today are actually teaching on the use of contraceptives to address sex outside of marriage, and Os Guinness on the Future of Freedom.

So stay tuned for some interesting conversations in the next couple weeks.  Also, for those of you in the West, next year's Q is in Los Angeles - if you can make it, I am certain that you won't be disappointed by your experience.